I've been quiet with reason. March marks the break in quarters in grad school, and it sort of ate me alive. But quarters have shifted, I'm in a new one, and things are in that early academic lull of the first two weeks before all hell breaks loose about a month from now. So glad in a way that this is all almost over for me.
Stress and fatigue have a bad effect on me, as they do most people. I've been more sullen of late, more angry. And I'm not handling perceived slights or injustices well. Not that I ever handle criticism well, see the previous post as to that, but I have a lot of underlying anger at a lot of corners, and the fact I've never handled it means that when I'm sick and tired I tend to chew on it, like a puppy with a favorite toy.
Lately I have been struggling with money. It's par for the course for grad students, especially those in their last months of school. And it's been hard not to be angry at those that I feel have abandoned me. Mostly the anger is directed at family, but even friends who had promised to always be there and have failed me at a critical juncture. The anger is deep and abiding. I have given to them over the years, been accommodating, and when my need is greatest they have dropped me, or ignore me, or shrug their shoulders at me and say, "I'll keep you in my prayers." That last earns my ire so quickly, because it is so half-hearted. And I recall all the things I've done, or money I've raised, and think, "What, a $20 couldn't kill you?" That puts money in my gas tank, or buys a few extra groceries. And I feel resentful and I feel sad. Mostly I feel alone...very, very alone and I begin to think that as much as I give to others, so few want to give to me. And then I feel worthless again.
Yes, I realize I likely blow this all out of proportion. But this is what my brain does...
I am very angry at one person in particular right now, and really I'm not angry at them about money. This person I am angry at for a whole slew of reasons, most of which stem from the blow they stuck me over a year ago now. My anger lies in the depreciation of my place in their life, of the central place they held and still hold in mine and how casually I have been tossed aside. This person perhaps has hurt me the most of anyone, and yet I try to maintain a relationship because it means something to me. And yet, I wonder anymore why I bother so much. I clearly was used for years, used for comfort, for satisfaction, for companionship, for many things, but never cared for in the same way that I cared for this person. And the frustration and hurt of that boils in me and is unresolved. Speaking it will to no good, and releasing it has proved next to futile. Really I'd like nothing more than to hurt this person in the way I've been hurt, but I doubt they would care enough to notice, let alone feel it. And that makes the hurt bite a little bit more, because it adds to the nothingness I feel. And the anger mounts, and it claws, and it bites, and it gnashes. And I seethe and cry and know that in the end I am worthless to that person...absolutely and utterly. And I hate them for it.
My poor ego, what little I have of it, has not had a good week. I know I should not let these thoughtless acts and people define what I am, but it is rather hard. You see examples for so long on how disposable you really are and you begin to believe they are right, you are not worth the time or effort. But there is this kernel inside of me, this deep, abiding, righteous indignation that says "no, I am not worthless, and you all do not have the right to make me feel this way." And this is where the anger swells, because how dare they see me as something so casual, when I should be a treasure. I should be appreciated and adored. And I want them to know that, and for them to burn for their ignorance in not recognizing that. I want them to pay for not recognizing that.
So yeah...I have a few anger issues. I would make an awesome vengeful goddess.
In the end, I doubt few people will understand this about me, and even if they do would it change things? No. But it swirls around me, night and day, this righteous wrath, this hatred and dislike of those who have wronged me. I don't know if it will ever get a chance to be voiced, like as not. But there is a part of me that wants to unleash it. I want them to know what that hurt sounds like, and feels like, and looks like, and see the pain I live in everyday.
But I don't think they will even care.
Well, pray for me for peace and blessings in this Lenten season. And peace and blessings to you all.
-JKW
