Feeling Worthless...

It may not sound like I had much of a big break through in therapy this week, but I sort of did. I realized that I feel completely and utterly worthless...and that's a big, big, BIG step for me.

Don't blink at me all confused like, this makes sense.

Part of what my goal in therapy has been is to get to the root causes of some of my most destructive behavior. My shyness, my social ineptitude, the distance I put between myself and others, the complete and utter abandon that I lose myself to in terms of the few relationships I do keep, before becoming disillusioned and crushed. My life is a pattern of rejection and isolation and I feel tired of it.

In the end the root cause of all of it is that I feel worthless.

At some point in my life, probably with the hellishness that was elementary school for me, I got it into my head that I was not worth a whole lot. Rejection happened early and often in those days, and I can't really say what it is that sparked it. Could have been anything, likely it was simply the childish teasing that all of us are subject too. And while most of you likely shook it off, my brain processed it as being told "you aren't good enough."

Problem was I believed it.

And this has been compounded over the years by many factors. Everything from family teasing to broken relationships has steadily ingrained in me that I am worthless. My family doesn't speak to me or belittles me, it's because they believe I am unworthy. Therefore I must strive hard to make them proud of me so that they will see I have some worth. My friends don't call and drop me from their life? It's because I've done something wrong, something that has made them hate me, or because I am boring, dull, uninteresting. Relationships fail me in spectacular ways, it's because I'm not someone who deserves love, attention, or affection.

And I react in one of two ways. If I sense rejection, if I even sniff it, I run and hide and put as much distance between me and them as possible. So if a friend decides to stop speaking to me, or if we fall out of touch, I won't call back, I won't reach out, because I fear that the reason they did it is because they don't like me anymore or I've done something wrong to anger them. And I will allow that person to fade away, thinking that if they really care they'll come find me again.

The second response is if I sense that a person won't reject me out of hand, I fall all over myself trying to please that person, even if I am not happy with it. I am so afraid of losing that singular, precious person, the only validating thing in my life, that I will lose myself in trying to make them happy, in trying to make them see me, to value me, to love me. And in the end I am always bitterly disappointed that I gave more to them than they ever gave to me. And I am usually crushed.

These two responses have gotten me in more trouble than I care to think about in my life. The first response has cost me friendships, has left me isolated, and has made me very lonely. Worse, it has made me scared...nay TERRIFIED of forming any new connections with people, for fear that they might reject me or not like me. If I don't sense right off the bat that I am welcome, I assume I am not. I so carefully read people, their every action, their every word, the nuance of their voice, the tones they use, the slightest gestures to find some evidence of what they think. It's so very exhausting.

The second has trapped me in unhealthy relationships and given me several broken hearts. I've come to love people, not just relationships, and expected that they will be just as giving as I am. When they are not, I stick around, hoping that my actions will convince them that I deserve what I so crave. And it never does, and it's never good enough because they never see. They don't ever value who I am, they never see the love, or the joy, or the passion I bring. I am just a fixture in their life who they can call on whenever they wish, and I become little more than a token. I've stayed in relationships like that for years, in the worst, most unhealthy situations with people who didn't care.

All I want is for someone to see that I'm worth it. I want someone to love me, I want someone to sacrifice for me, to take pride in me, to see that I'm brilliant, and shining, and amazing. And I want them to mean it. And I want them not to walk away from me, or push me away, or abandon me, or string me along and crush me. I want them to stand by me and stick by me, even at the worst, and keep telling me I am worth it. Because so far no one in my life has ever convinced me of it. And I've run myself ragged getting someone, anyone to notice.

For the life of me I've yet to figure out why no one ever has.

Now, I know logically there is a disconnect. I know that there are people in my life who see some value in me, and who love me, and who are proud of me. But I don't sense that. Whether it is because of their failure to communicate that, or my misunderstanding, or them just being horrible friends and family to have, I don't know. I know I obviously can't rely on everyone to give me self-affirmation all the time, and somehow, someway I need to understand for myself, by myself, that I am worth something, that I am beautiful, and amazing, and wonderful, and someone to be loved and cherished, without the need for someone externally to tell me that. I need to come to that conclusion some how. And I need to do it on my own.

But I also need to start finding more positive people in my life, less selfish people, less critical people, less emotionally demanding people. I need to find people who are more supportive of me, who are more willing to boost me up than use me or drain me. And I need to be honest with my family at some point about the way they often make me feel. Whether it makes them change or not, perhaps that is not the point. But it is being honest with them about why it is I keep my distance, and the fear and hurt that often keeps me away. Perhaps they will understand, likely they won't, but I will at least be making an effort.

For Lent, I need to work on this acceptance of my self and my own worth element. Lenten time is a time when Christians consider the sacrifice made for them and the question of their worthiness. During last night's Ash Wednesday service at the Presbyterian church in town, (not my usual church, I am Baptist myself), the pastor kept reminding us that Christ's sacrifice was given freely, not because we deserved it, but because we weren't worthy of it, but he loved us enough to do it anyway. I have never been able to jive with substitutionary atonement and this idea of "unworthiness", the angry God who sends his son to create an even balance. I would dispute that personally. I would reply that perhaps the message of Lent and of the cross is that it happened because I am worthy. I'm a person who was worthy enough for God to want to bring into communion, into his covenant, and that this is what the cross symbolizes. How very much God loved me.

Perhaps in contemplating that, I might be able to find my sense of self worth once again.

Peace and blessings-
JKW

Valentines Day

For someone whose had the sort of year I've had, Valentine's Day is the worst.

I can't say that I've ever had very many good Valentine's Days, a handful of special ones that I like to think back on. But really the day usually is very painful for me. It hurts to know that I've poured out a lot of love and affection on people who, in the end, were selfish and didn't care. And so the day sort of represents for me my utter failing in all things romantic.

So how do I get through it with any stretch of sanity?

To be honest, not well. Thankfully I no longer work in an office where there is an overwhelming presence of floral profundity right in my face. And I'm no longer in high school to witness my classmates getting flowers from each other while I sit feeling stupid. I can hide away from Valentine's Day for the most part. In fact, tomorrow will be just another day for me, work and homework, working out, going to tutor, snag something before bed, pass out and start all over again on Wednesday.

Depression of course is inevitable. When you think of all your friends who are married or who are in committed relationships and you realize you are alone and likely always will be, it's the time when you just want to head for the freezer, bury your head in a bucket of chocolate ice cream and never come out. I won't deny I don't feel that way right now. The idea of tomorrow vaguely makes me ill. But no matter how badly it makes me feel, I know I can't just wallow in my own self-pity. Frankly it only makes matters worse, and doesn't accomplish much more than adding five pounds from my attempt at suicide by chocolate.

So tomorrow is just another day. While everyone else enjoys their flowers and candy, I will go to work, do my homework, work out with a friend, and tutor a student. There will be no chocolate ice cream in the house. And while it will hurt and suck, I will at least have accomplished my day, gotten through it, and not let myself stay curled into bed, feeling sorry for myself, moping on the state of my life.

I will keep moving forward...cause sometimes that's the only direction I have left to go in.

Peace and blessings-
JKW

Therapy vs. Medication

A friend and I had a recent conversation regarding therapy and meds.

I will be honest, I've been in a depression for a year. There is a culmination of factors that went into this depression; overwork, lack of money, my own personal demons, a crazy roommate, (who I adore but can be difficult to live with sometimes). But to be honest the worst thing I've suffered with this last year was a broken heart. I don't even think those two words are adequate to describe how I feel at the moment. It wasn't just a heart that was shattered, if was a relationship, a friendship, a social life, a world. Imagine a divorce, but without the comfort of at least knowing you were for a brief shining moment someone loved you enough to want to make a life with you.

That's what my last year has been.

Crawling back from that has been difficult. There is much I am sifting through, feelings of rejection, of worthlessness, of failure, of loneliness. And it wasn't something that just happened one day and I can get over it. There is a lifetime of things that went along with this that help make the heartbreak so very hard to get over. And for the most part I struggle with this alone. I have a roommate who is endlessly loyal, but hardly understands the situation. I have family who are distant at best, and it's very difficult to share with them. And for the except of a special, core group of friends, most of my friendships have either left me or I've pushed away because I hurt so much. So there isn't very much support in 'just getting over it'.

This is why I chose therapy. I couldn't do this alone. I had tried for a very long time to do it by myself, and realized that I simply fell into patterns of behavior that perpetuated bad situations. And while I've been lucky in my life that I've never completely fallen in the pit of despair, I do know that when I had my heart broken last year I realized I couldn't do this all by myself. My world fell apart and I needed help. So I went to my school's psychology department and I asked for help.

It's been a slow process. There are layers of things I am working through, and things I'm discovering about myself. Today I discussed the anger I feel towards my family and their indifference, and realized that perhaps we are all indifferent to each other because we all feel some lack of worth with each other, and are unable to express it. Because we don't feel complaining will change the situation, we do nothing. I do it, they do it, we all do, and it perpetuates a situation. I feel unworthy because my family doesn't seem to care about my life. It occurred to me today that perhaps they feel that way towards me too, and that's why we are so silent. This is why I am in therapy...I never would have discovered this unless I had worked it out.

Recently I've been very quiet with friends. I admit that the effort it takes to maintain relationships has been difficult for me. I've lacked the energy even to maintain connections on Twitter and Facebook. One of my best friends was very concerned. She herself has been where I am at, and she has a family who has struggled with depression. She suggested I should look into medication. I love my friend, and I am so glad she cared enough to suggest it. But I firmly and gently said no. This is a fight that I don't want to simply give a pill to. I want to change my behavior, to understand why this is happening, and find a way to shake myself of assumptions that have made me sad and depressed. I do see a hope at the end of the tunnel, I just feel I need to be patient. Like everything, it is a process.

Now, I say this because I believe that therapy with no medication is the option for me now. This is not to say that I don't believe in medication for others. I live with someone who suffers chronic depression. My own parents at various times suffered from it, and at least one should have been medicated. He finally had to resort to medication when my mother left, because he realized just how bad it was getting. There were days during that dark period when my brother and I had to check to make sure he was even breathing, we were so afraid of his depression. I know that there are times when medication is an answer. And I want to encourage anyone reading this that if you feel that you need it, if you can't shake this feeling, if it won't go away, or if it gets worse, please, please seek that sort of help. Don't hesitate. People will not think less of you, because frankly who among us hasn't been in that spot.

But I also encourage those who do want to try and make a go without medication as well. It is an option, and it's a good option. Sometimes what you really need is to understand why things are happening, and therapy is good for that. It helps you sort out what's really going on and what isn't, what your perceptions are and what the outside sees. It helps you come to grips with how you think and how that affects things. And I'm all for that. But by all means, if therapy isn't cutting it, if there is something deeper going on there, talk to a therapist or a doctor and get some help.

For me I'm taking this route, and I'm positive it is working. I'm feeling better about some things and feeling stronger about others. It's a slow road, and I don't think this will change overnight. But I keep on working it because I want to be a better person, a better daughter, a better sister, and a better friend.

Peace and blessings-
JKW