I've had a "come to Jesus" moment with myself.
The term comes from a friend at my church, but more specifically from her mother. Her parents served as missionaries for years, and it was her mother's term for one of those serious, big realization conversations. And you think, there is no bigger "get serious" moment in your life than the moment of salvation, so I think it's appropriate. Sometimes you just have to have those conversations with yourself or others to realize how dire a situation is.
My moment was this weekend. I was a mess. I had anxiety all over the place, stemming mostly from the relationships that I realized were draining me in very bad ways. In therapy this week we discussed what an ideal relationship for me was. The ideal for me is a highly reciprocal relationship, one where random acts of kindness are part of the outgrowth of a healthy relationship, not the bedrock of it. I am not bought, purchased, or bound, but rather I am in a relationship of an equal give and take. I feel comfortable knowing that while I am taking, I am also giving int he relationship in a way, and that I am not always the one giving, (or not always the one taking).
The relationships I have cultivated since moving to California, particularly with the more masculine types, have not really been that way. I don't know if that's because they are guys, and that's just how guys think, (quite possible), or if it is because they are Southern Californians who don't speak that sort of relationship language anyway. I'm not sure. I know that I feel like I've been screaming in English and they've responded in French, and no one has ever been happy with that arrangement, least of all me. It has driven me crazy trying to figure out and understand the motives of these people, thinking that I was doing something wrong because suddenly the relationship had shifted and changed. And I couldn't understand why suddenly they were hot, then cold, then doing something else weird, then leaving me behind, crushed, only to come back months later as if nothing had happened.
This sort of emotional schizophrenia has made me anxious in the extreme!
So I've reached the conclusion that I cannot make an effort for these sorts of relationships anymore. I just emotionally can't. I cannot put myself out there for people who run hot and cold, who might ignore me for days and then wonder why it is I am angry with them. I can't be in relationships with people who shower me with attention and lavish me with gifts and then stop speaking to me without saying a word. And I cannot be in relationships with people who keeps secrets and lie, "because they don't want to hurt me", only to crush me in the worst ways, but still expect me to be around for them because they still care. I can't do this. What sane person does this? Not me, cause I sure as heck am not sane!
There is a part of me that will forever be a Midwestern girl, who understands relationships in that context. People are your friend because they want to be, not because they want something out of you. They like spending time with you, and they like doing things for you, and trust that that you like spending time with them and doing things for them because it is an outgrowth of your relationship. If you don't speak for a few days, they call to check in because they are worried about you, not because they are needy. If they don't hear from you for weeks, they will just assume something is up, and are welcoming when you get back to them. There is a reciprocity in those relationships, because there is a sense we are all in this together. I have to have your back, and you'll have mine, and we'll be okay, we'll pull through this. And we'll be there for each other. I've felt that precious few times since I moved away. More often I've felt the, "what can you give me now" vibe. And I don't like it.
I can't say I've always been a good friend, nor can I say I've never had my "what can you give me" moments. But at the end of the day I try to be this person. And because I try, this is how I so easily get burned by others who are not. And these people create a whole level of anxiety in my life I cannot live with anymore.
If you are my friend, be a part of my life. Don't call me with promises and not live up to them. Don't ignore me for weeks and wonder why I snub you or don't talk to you anymore. Don't tell me we are going to get together and then forget about it. Every one of those things hurts me, because it tells me you are a liar and that I am worthless. And I won't stand for that anymore, because I am not worthless. And you do not get to treat me like that.
That is my "come to Jesus" moment with myself. I feel like an altar call should be playing.
Peace and blessings
JKW
