It may not sound like I had much of a big break through in therapy this week, but I sort of did. I realized that I feel completely and utterly worthless...and that's a big, big, BIG step for me.
Don't blink at me all confused like, this makes sense.
Part of what my goal in therapy has been is to get to the root causes of some of my most destructive behavior. My shyness, my social ineptitude, the distance I put between myself and others, the complete and utter abandon that I lose myself to in terms of the few relationships I do keep, before becoming disillusioned and crushed. My life is a pattern of rejection and isolation and I feel tired of it.
In the end the root cause of all of it is that I feel worthless.
At some point in my life, probably with the hellishness that was elementary school for me, I got it into my head that I was not worth a whole lot. Rejection happened early and often in those days, and I can't really say what it is that sparked it. Could have been anything, likely it was simply the childish teasing that all of us are subject too. And while most of you likely shook it off, my brain processed it as being told "you aren't good enough."
Problem was I believed it.
And this has been compounded over the years by many factors. Everything from family teasing to broken relationships has steadily ingrained in me that I am worthless. My family doesn't speak to me or belittles me, it's because they believe I am unworthy. Therefore I must strive hard to make them proud of me so that they will see I have some worth. My friends don't call and drop me from their life? It's because I've done something wrong, something that has made them hate me, or because I am boring, dull, uninteresting. Relationships fail me in spectacular ways, it's because I'm not someone who deserves love, attention, or affection.
And I react in one of two ways. If I sense rejection, if I even sniff it, I run and hide and put as much distance between me and them as possible. So if a friend decides to stop speaking to me, or if we fall out of touch, I won't call back, I won't reach out, because I fear that the reason they did it is because they don't like me anymore or I've done something wrong to anger them. And I will allow that person to fade away, thinking that if they really care they'll come find me again.
The second response is if I sense that a person won't reject me out of hand, I fall all over myself trying to please that person, even if I am not happy with it. I am so afraid of losing that singular, precious person, the only validating thing in my life, that I will lose myself in trying to make them happy, in trying to make them see me, to value me, to love me. And in the end I am always bitterly disappointed that I gave more to them than they ever gave to me. And I am usually crushed.
These two responses have gotten me in more trouble than I care to think about in my life. The first response has cost me friendships, has left me isolated, and has made me very lonely. Worse, it has made me scared...nay TERRIFIED of forming any new connections with people, for fear that they might reject me or not like me. If I don't sense right off the bat that I am welcome, I assume I am not. I so carefully read people, their every action, their every word, the nuance of their voice, the tones they use, the slightest gestures to find some evidence of what they think. It's so very exhausting.
The second has trapped me in unhealthy relationships and given me several broken hearts. I've come to love people, not just relationships, and expected that they will be just as giving as I am. When they are not, I stick around, hoping that my actions will convince them that I deserve what I so crave. And it never does, and it's never good enough because they never see. They don't ever value who I am, they never see the love, or the joy, or the passion I bring. I am just a fixture in their life who they can call on whenever they wish, and I become little more than a token. I've stayed in relationships like that for years, in the worst, most unhealthy situations with people who didn't care.
All I want is for someone to see that I'm worth it. I want someone to love me, I want someone to sacrifice for me, to take pride in me, to see that I'm brilliant, and shining, and amazing. And I want them to mean it. And I want them not to walk away from me, or push me away, or abandon me, or string me along and crush me. I want them to stand by me and stick by me, even at the worst, and keep telling me I am worth it. Because so far no one in my life has ever convinced me of it. And I've run myself ragged getting someone, anyone to notice.
For the life of me I've yet to figure out why no one ever has.
Now, I know logically there is a disconnect. I know that there are people in my life who see some value in me, and who love me, and who are proud of me. But I don't sense that. Whether it is because of their failure to communicate that, or my misunderstanding, or them just being horrible friends and family to have, I don't know. I know I obviously can't rely on everyone to give me self-affirmation all the time, and somehow, someway I need to understand for myself, by myself, that I am worth something, that I am beautiful, and amazing, and wonderful, and someone to be loved and cherished, without the need for someone externally to tell me that. I need to come to that conclusion some how. And I need to do it on my own.
But I also need to start finding more positive people in my life, less selfish people, less critical people, less emotionally demanding people. I need to find people who are more supportive of me, who are more willing to boost me up than use me or drain me. And I need to be honest with my family at some point about the way they often make me feel. Whether it makes them change or not, perhaps that is not the point. But it is being honest with them about why it is I keep my distance, and the fear and hurt that often keeps me away. Perhaps they will understand, likely they won't, but I will at least be making an effort.
For Lent, I need to work on this acceptance of my self and my own worth element. Lenten time is a time when Christians consider the sacrifice made for them and the question of their worthiness. During last night's Ash Wednesday service at the Presbyterian church in town, (not my usual church, I am Baptist myself), the pastor kept reminding us that Christ's sacrifice was given freely, not because we deserved it, but because we weren't worthy of it, but he loved us enough to do it anyway. I have never been able to jive with substitutionary atonement and this idea of "unworthiness", the angry God who sends his son to create an even balance. I would dispute that personally. I would reply that perhaps the message of Lent and of the cross is that it happened because I am worthy. I'm a person who was worthy enough for God to want to bring into communion, into his covenant, and that this is what the cross symbolizes. How very much God loved me.
Perhaps in contemplating that, I might be able to find my sense of self worth once again.
Peace and blessings-
JKW
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