For someone whose had the sort of year I've had, Valentine's Day is the worst.
I can't say that I've ever had very many good Valentine's Days, a handful of special ones that I like to think back on. But really the day usually is very painful for me. It hurts to know that I've poured out a lot of love and affection on people who, in the end, were selfish and didn't care. And so the day sort of represents for me my utter failing in all things romantic.
So how do I get through it with any stretch of sanity?
To be honest, not well. Thankfully I no longer work in an office where there is an overwhelming presence of floral profundity right in my face. And I'm no longer in high school to witness my classmates getting flowers from each other while I sit feeling stupid. I can hide away from Valentine's Day for the most part. In fact, tomorrow will be just another day for me, work and homework, working out, going to tutor, snag something before bed, pass out and start all over again on Wednesday.
Depression of course is inevitable. When you think of all your friends who are married or who are in committed relationships and you realize you are alone and likely always will be, it's the time when you just want to head for the freezer, bury your head in a bucket of chocolate ice cream and never come out. I won't deny I don't feel that way right now. The idea of tomorrow vaguely makes me ill. But no matter how badly it makes me feel, I know I can't just wallow in my own self-pity. Frankly it only makes matters worse, and doesn't accomplish much more than adding five pounds from my attempt at suicide by chocolate.
So tomorrow is just another day. While everyone else enjoys their flowers and candy, I will go to work, do my homework, work out with a friend, and tutor a student. There will be no chocolate ice cream in the house. And while it will hurt and suck, I will at least have accomplished my day, gotten through it, and not let myself stay curled into bed, feeling sorry for myself, moping on the state of my life.
I will keep moving forward...cause sometimes that's the only direction I have left to go in.
Peace and blessings-
JKW
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