A friend and I had a recent conversation regarding therapy and meds.
I will be honest, I've been in a depression for a year. There is a culmination of factors that went into this depression; overwork, lack of money, my own personal demons, a crazy roommate, (who I adore but can be difficult to live with sometimes). But to be honest the worst thing I've suffered with this last year was a broken heart. I don't even think those two words are adequate to describe how I feel at the moment. It wasn't just a heart that was shattered, if was a relationship, a friendship, a social life, a world. Imagine a divorce, but without the comfort of at least knowing you were for a brief shining moment someone loved you enough to want to make a life with you.
That's what my last year has been.
Crawling back from that has been difficult. There is much I am sifting through, feelings of rejection, of worthlessness, of failure, of loneliness. And it wasn't something that just happened one day and I can get over it. There is a lifetime of things that went along with this that help make the heartbreak so very hard to get over. And for the most part I struggle with this alone. I have a roommate who is endlessly loyal, but hardly understands the situation. I have family who are distant at best, and it's very difficult to share with them. And for the except of a special, core group of friends, most of my friendships have either left me or I've pushed away because I hurt so much. So there isn't very much support in 'just getting over it'.
This is why I chose therapy. I couldn't do this alone. I had tried for a very long time to do it by myself, and realized that I simply fell into patterns of behavior that perpetuated bad situations. And while I've been lucky in my life that I've never completely fallen in the pit of despair, I do know that when I had my heart broken last year I realized I couldn't do this all by myself. My world fell apart and I needed help. So I went to my school's psychology department and I asked for help.
It's been a slow process. There are layers of things I am working through, and things I'm discovering about myself. Today I discussed the anger I feel towards my family and their indifference, and realized that perhaps we are all indifferent to each other because we all feel some lack of worth with each other, and are unable to express it. Because we don't feel complaining will change the situation, we do nothing. I do it, they do it, we all do, and it perpetuates a situation. I feel unworthy because my family doesn't seem to care about my life. It occurred to me today that perhaps they feel that way towards me too, and that's why we are so silent. This is why I am in therapy...I never would have discovered this unless I had worked it out.
Recently I've been very quiet with friends. I admit that the effort it takes to maintain relationships has been difficult for me. I've lacked the energy even to maintain connections on Twitter and Facebook. One of my best friends was very concerned. She herself has been where I am at, and she has a family who has struggled with depression. She suggested I should look into medication. I love my friend, and I am so glad she cared enough to suggest it. But I firmly and gently said no. This is a fight that I don't want to simply give a pill to. I want to change my behavior, to understand why this is happening, and find a way to shake myself of assumptions that have made me sad and depressed. I do see a hope at the end of the tunnel, I just feel I need to be patient. Like everything, it is a process.
Now, I say this because I believe that therapy with no medication is the option for me now. This is not to say that I don't believe in medication for others. I live with someone who suffers chronic depression. My own parents at various times suffered from it, and at least one should have been medicated. He finally had to resort to medication when my mother left, because he realized just how bad it was getting. There were days during that dark period when my brother and I had to check to make sure he was even breathing, we were so afraid of his depression. I know that there are times when medication is an answer. And I want to encourage anyone reading this that if you feel that you need it, if you can't shake this feeling, if it won't go away, or if it gets worse, please, please seek that sort of help. Don't hesitate. People will not think less of you, because frankly who among us hasn't been in that spot.
But I also encourage those who do want to try and make a go without medication as well. It is an option, and it's a good option. Sometimes what you really need is to understand why things are happening, and therapy is good for that. It helps you sort out what's really going on and what isn't, what your perceptions are and what the outside sees. It helps you come to grips with how you think and how that affects things. And I'm all for that. But by all means, if therapy isn't cutting it, if there is something deeper going on there, talk to a therapist or a doctor and get some help.
For me I'm taking this route, and I'm positive it is working. I'm feeling better about some things and feeling stronger about others. It's a slow road, and I don't think this will change overnight. But I keep on working it because I want to be a better person, a better daughter, a better sister, and a better friend.
Peace and blessings-
JKW
No comments:
Post a Comment