Boundaries

Boundaries are not something I am good at. I should correct that, in geography I am amazing at them. In my lifetime I have seen the boundaries of the world shift and change in unparalleled ways. I can tell you what the extremes of the Roman Empire was at its height, why there is a Virginia and a West Virginia, and where the former country known as Yugoslavia existed. I'm amazing at the imaginary boundaries humans put up to define their land from that belonging to others.

I am less capable when it comes to boundaries in my own life.

To understand this in my journey of self-discovery, you have to understand one basic flaw in the broken nature that is Beshter...I fear rejection more than I fear anything else. Perhaps more than I fear being alone, which is it's close cousin in the fear department. I fear that idea of being told that you are unworthy. It's a common feeling in my life, feeling that I am not wanted, not needed, not appreciated, not valued...not loved. I can't say there is an exact reason for this, like my parents not loving me, (which they did), or that I was told I was worthless, (which I never was). I've scryed long and hard into my past and looked for reasons for why this idea is in my head. And short of the cruelty of childhood which all of us face, I can't really pin it down. And like as not that is the reason, the rejection of my peers did make for a rather lonely childhood and an hellish junior high. Hell, high school wasn't a picnic either, I was often lonely, though I can say high school got better as the years went along. It wasn't till college that I had a group of friends I felt totally secure in, that I didn't fear rejection from. To this day I think this is why I still look to them as my safe haven, because I know no matter how stupid my life gets they are always there and always love me. Sometimes I'm more confident in them than I am my own family.

Perhaps not Mom and Dad...

This fear of rejection has only gotten worse over the years, particularly with failed romances and broken hearts, and throw in a back stabbing friend or two. It happens to all of us, but in my mind it has turned it into a crippling fear. I expect that people will hate me, dislike me, or dismiss me, so I do anything and everything to make them not want to do that. And that includes throwing boundaries right out the window. If I set up boundaries, my brain reasons, then they will get upset once I say "no", and then will leave me for someone else. If I don't set down boundaries then they will stay, and hopefully they will see all the wonderful things I have to give.

The truth is that never works, but I can't seem to shake myself of this habit.

It's hard to wrestle with something that is so engrained in you, to do something you never have done. I realize, in a logical manner, that boundaries are good for a person. You shouldn't allow people to walk all over you. And this is not to say I don't utilize them from time to time. There are moments in my life when the push back from those in my life is so great I say "no", and I refuse to budge. And invariably every single one of those times has lead to some sort of ultimate break, a moment when they realized that I wasn't what they want or wasn't the person they needed in their life, or what have you. And this seems to play out my fear that setting boundaries costs me my relationships rather. But in therapy this last year, and in thinking, I have come to realize that perhaps I am understanding this situation all wrong. I don't think that in the end it is these boundaries that I put up that drive these people away, rather it is the fact I never set them up to begin with. And when I am finally pushed to a place I throw them up, people are confused. Why is it Beshter is acting like this, she never had a complaint before? It never occurs to them that the complaint was always there because I never voiced it.

I never set up the boundary, and thus they assumed that it was okay. And usually it really wasn't.

I don't know if I can set up boundaries yet. There are some I am struggling with putting into place. There are others I am better at putting out there. I can say no to tutoring gigs I have no time for, or events I can't go to because they conflict with responsibilities. I can even say no to people I really don't want to deal with and have always been too afraid of being mean to to say no. But there are others who I still have trouble with. There are other situations in my life that I have yet to work out how to put parameters on. And I seethe against it, but I also know it's my own making. And I am still trying to figure out how to say "no". I hope I can figure it out soon. Because I'm not starting to figure out that I am a person who is far more worthy of a person than to be treated the way I have been by some people.

I'm still working on boundaries. I may be a whiz at on a geography quiz, but I'm a mess in my own life. It is a work in progress, like everything else about me.

Peace and blessings-

-JKW