My every waking moment is filled with a rage that sucks me down.
Anger is one of the things I am trying to work within therapy. This is one of those issues that many people don't even see about me, the ones who thing that I'm "so put together". And for many I figure this is likely the case. Our society is paradoxical, we love confrontation and then again we don't. What we really love is to argue defensively and tear the other person down. We don't love hearing how that other person is hurting because of something we said or did. I am as guilty of doing that as the next person.
Right now there is so much anger and rage inside of me it hurts, and it isn't healthy. I know it isn't, and this is why I am in therapy. But I breath it everyday, and I want so badly to just rage till it is gone and empty myself. And I realize I can't because I also want to be understood. I want someone to see that they hurt me and to recognize the hurt and apologize. And so far I've yet to experience a single "I'm sorry, you know what I was wrong." Sometimes the situation won't get better, but sometimes you need to let out all the hurt and anger and not feel that in doing so you will be slapped back down.
I tried this last summer to confront someone who means the world to me. This person many years ago hurt me in what perhaps was the initial crack that would lead to me breaking to the point I am at now. I confronted them because I needed to. I needed to lash out, to get it out, like puss from a wound. I needed to cry and scream and shout at the heavens. What I got was an email, because that was the only way I could reach them. My therapist suggested it, and so I did it, no holds barred, full of all the swearing and virulence that I felt. I had been warned that I wouldn't get the response I wanted. I suppose I hadn't expected the response I got. That letter hurt almost as much as what this person did. It hurt because it showed that in the end they didn't care about how I felt or what I had to say. In the end all that mattered was that they felt they were right.
Nothing makes you feel more small than knowing that you aren't being heard. And I have to admit I don't think once in my life I ever have, not when it matters most. It's strange, I realize even with everyday people how often they don't really listen to me or pay attention to the tiny things. And when it is you spilling your guts out to someone, begging for them to understand the pain you are in, the pain they have or are causing, to have that sort of response is nothing short of shattering.
There is another person who perhaps is the other major component for why I am in the shattered, emotional state I am in right now. This person is almost as clueless as the first, except this person does have a bit more of an inkling about the damage they have caused. Except their damage is much more fresh, more raw, more traumatic. And I can't even begin to vent to them my anger, because the minute I do righteous indignation comes into play. My words are lost because they are so busy defending themseves they aren't listening to what I am saying. I am drowning in fury over here, it chokes me most days, and I can't make them understand how badly I both love them and hate them for breaking me to this point and not even caring.
Another post, I'll discuss my tendency to care take those I care for and how this exacerbates this rage problem, because really it is all a vicious cycle. But for right now I sit here, raging quietly, wondering if I should have a good cry since my head already hurts, or if I should just go to sleep and shove it away as I always do. There will be one day when I will figure out what to do with all of this anger and understand what to do with it. Perhaps prayer, perhaps a tantrum...you know there are days that the song "Bust the Windows Outcha Car" really resonates, but I don't think I have enough destructive tendencies to manage that one.
Anyway, prayers for me as I deal with this and figure out what I can do to resolve the anger in a healthy manner.
Peace and blessings-
JKW
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