Caretaker

A long time ago I used to play role playing games. The old fashioned kind with dice and paper, where you would reduce a character and their personality to basic words and numbers. Personalities suddenly became Jungian descriptives. They were easy, throw-away ways to explain the impulses of a characters nature. Because we were so steeped in this game, and so used to the lingo, many of us took to using these descriptions in real life to pinpoint just what sort of person we thought someone was. They were a "architect" nature, or a "deviant".

I was always a "caretaker". And it's true, that's the first impulse I have. My entire life has been defined by being someone who was asked to take care of someone else. I am the oldest, I am female, I am responsible, I am caring and kind. It seems a natural fit. I needed to take care of parents, siblings, friends, it is a natural expression of the empathy and compassion that I have, trying to take care of others, to make them feel better.

But it is also a hamper as well.

As we have established, I am a person who fears rejection. I am a person who is also very lonely. It is hard for me to reach out to others. One of the few ways I have of connecting to people is to be that "caretaker". I want to do something for you, to make things easier for you, or better, because if I do then you will appreciate me, like me, even want me in your life. Being a caretaker is my way of showing others how much I love them and don't take them for granted. I expect that others will see this and respond by loving me back.

This is sadly not the case in my life. Inevitably those I seek to make happiest are those who take the most advantage of me. And in my own, blind, desperate need to be loved and accepted by someone, I pour myself out to these people only to find myself emptied by them. And I grow angry and resentful, and when I start to balk, when I remove that care I once showed, when I refuse to give in to demands, then they tend to walk away. And I realize what a fool I have been, because I have given these people everything, and they have offered nothing that I wanted. And so I am angry with myself for doing this, and I am angry at them for doing this, and then I usually start the slow spin into depression.

It's such a familiar theme in my life, I am surprised I didn't really catch on to it till I was in therapy, but I suppose that's common for many people. We don't recognize our self-destructive behaviors till we are forced by others to recognize what we are doing. Sadly, for myself, I don't know quite what to do with myself in terms of this "caretaker" business. It's what I know, it's instinctual. But it is not all that I am. I am so much more, I am a person who has so many more things to offer than being a simple security blanket. Sadly that's the only way I've been seen by some people I've loved most. I'm caring, and loving, and stable, and safe. But I'm nothing more than than. They don't see the other wonderful parts that make up me, not really.

I'm at a loss as to what to do about this. It has caused me to shut down in the last year, emotionally and socially. I have sort of faded from the lives of many people, and I don't mean to, but I just don't have the emotional capability now to discern whether I am falling into the same old self-destructive patterns as before, or is this a healthy relationship? I just don't know. I know that this behavior is not good either, but there is a part of me that is too bruised and battered to know what to do. And so I hide, because I'm tired of being the caretaker to the world and used horribly for it.

Now you know where some of the anger inside of me comes from.

We all have parts of our nature that are wonderful, and parts that if not used carefully can be destructive. Sometimes it's hard to know when we are being beneficial or self-destructive. I pray for discernment, but I also pray for courage to keep going, because right now I am just too scared. And yet I am lonely too. I pray I can feel safe in reaching out to others again, and hope that I don't put myself in a position where I feel used or rejected.

Prayers and blessings-
JKW