I've had a "come to Jesus" moment with myself.
The term comes from a friend at my church, but more specifically from her mother. Her parents served as missionaries for years, and it was her mother's term for one of those serious, big realization conversations. And you think, there is no bigger "get serious" moment in your life than the moment of salvation, so I think it's appropriate. Sometimes you just have to have those conversations with yourself or others to realize how dire a situation is.
My moment was this weekend. I was a mess. I had anxiety all over the place, stemming mostly from the relationships that I realized were draining me in very bad ways. In therapy this week we discussed what an ideal relationship for me was. The ideal for me is a highly reciprocal relationship, one where random acts of kindness are part of the outgrowth of a healthy relationship, not the bedrock of it. I am not bought, purchased, or bound, but rather I am in a relationship of an equal give and take. I feel comfortable knowing that while I am taking, I am also giving int he relationship in a way, and that I am not always the one giving, (or not always the one taking).
The relationships I have cultivated since moving to California, particularly with the more masculine types, have not really been that way. I don't know if that's because they are guys, and that's just how guys think, (quite possible), or if it is because they are Southern Californians who don't speak that sort of relationship language anyway. I'm not sure. I know that I feel like I've been screaming in English and they've responded in French, and no one has ever been happy with that arrangement, least of all me. It has driven me crazy trying to figure out and understand the motives of these people, thinking that I was doing something wrong because suddenly the relationship had shifted and changed. And I couldn't understand why suddenly they were hot, then cold, then doing something else weird, then leaving me behind, crushed, only to come back months later as if nothing had happened.
This sort of emotional schizophrenia has made me anxious in the extreme!
So I've reached the conclusion that I cannot make an effort for these sorts of relationships anymore. I just emotionally can't. I cannot put myself out there for people who run hot and cold, who might ignore me for days and then wonder why it is I am angry with them. I can't be in relationships with people who shower me with attention and lavish me with gifts and then stop speaking to me without saying a word. And I cannot be in relationships with people who keeps secrets and lie, "because they don't want to hurt me", only to crush me in the worst ways, but still expect me to be around for them because they still care. I can't do this. What sane person does this? Not me, cause I sure as heck am not sane!
There is a part of me that will forever be a Midwestern girl, who understands relationships in that context. People are your friend because they want to be, not because they want something out of you. They like spending time with you, and they like doing things for you, and trust that that you like spending time with them and doing things for them because it is an outgrowth of your relationship. If you don't speak for a few days, they call to check in because they are worried about you, not because they are needy. If they don't hear from you for weeks, they will just assume something is up, and are welcoming when you get back to them. There is a reciprocity in those relationships, because there is a sense we are all in this together. I have to have your back, and you'll have mine, and we'll be okay, we'll pull through this. And we'll be there for each other. I've felt that precious few times since I moved away. More often I've felt the, "what can you give me now" vibe. And I don't like it.
I can't say I've always been a good friend, nor can I say I've never had my "what can you give me" moments. But at the end of the day I try to be this person. And because I try, this is how I so easily get burned by others who are not. And these people create a whole level of anxiety in my life I cannot live with anymore.
If you are my friend, be a part of my life. Don't call me with promises and not live up to them. Don't ignore me for weeks and wonder why I snub you or don't talk to you anymore. Don't tell me we are going to get together and then forget about it. Every one of those things hurts me, because it tells me you are a liar and that I am worthless. And I won't stand for that anymore, because I am not worthless. And you do not get to treat me like that.
That is my "come to Jesus" moment with myself. I feel like an altar call should be playing.
Peace and blessings
JKW
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Unreasonable Anger...
I've been quiet with reason. March marks the break in quarters in grad school, and it sort of ate me alive. But quarters have shifted, I'm in a new one, and things are in that early academic lull of the first two weeks before all hell breaks loose about a month from now. So glad in a way that this is all almost over for me.
Stress and fatigue have a bad effect on me, as they do most people. I've been more sullen of late, more angry. And I'm not handling perceived slights or injustices well. Not that I ever handle criticism well, see the previous post as to that, but I have a lot of underlying anger at a lot of corners, and the fact I've never handled it means that when I'm sick and tired I tend to chew on it, like a puppy with a favorite toy.
Lately I have been struggling with money. It's par for the course for grad students, especially those in their last months of school. And it's been hard not to be angry at those that I feel have abandoned me. Mostly the anger is directed at family, but even friends who had promised to always be there and have failed me at a critical juncture. The anger is deep and abiding. I have given to them over the years, been accommodating, and when my need is greatest they have dropped me, or ignore me, or shrug their shoulders at me and say, "I'll keep you in my prayers." That last earns my ire so quickly, because it is so half-hearted. And I recall all the things I've done, or money I've raised, and think, "What, a $20 couldn't kill you?" That puts money in my gas tank, or buys a few extra groceries. And I feel resentful and I feel sad. Mostly I feel alone...very, very alone and I begin to think that as much as I give to others, so few want to give to me. And then I feel worthless again.
Yes, I realize I likely blow this all out of proportion. But this is what my brain does...
I am very angry at one person in particular right now, and really I'm not angry at them about money. This person I am angry at for a whole slew of reasons, most of which stem from the blow they stuck me over a year ago now. My anger lies in the depreciation of my place in their life, of the central place they held and still hold in mine and how casually I have been tossed aside. This person perhaps has hurt me the most of anyone, and yet I try to maintain a relationship because it means something to me. And yet, I wonder anymore why I bother so much. I clearly was used for years, used for comfort, for satisfaction, for companionship, for many things, but never cared for in the same way that I cared for this person. And the frustration and hurt of that boils in me and is unresolved. Speaking it will to no good, and releasing it has proved next to futile. Really I'd like nothing more than to hurt this person in the way I've been hurt, but I doubt they would care enough to notice, let alone feel it. And that makes the hurt bite a little bit more, because it adds to the nothingness I feel. And the anger mounts, and it claws, and it bites, and it gnashes. And I seethe and cry and know that in the end I am worthless to that person...absolutely and utterly. And I hate them for it.
My poor ego, what little I have of it, has not had a good week. I know I should not let these thoughtless acts and people define what I am, but it is rather hard. You see examples for so long on how disposable you really are and you begin to believe they are right, you are not worth the time or effort. But there is this kernel inside of me, this deep, abiding, righteous indignation that says "no, I am not worthless, and you all do not have the right to make me feel this way." And this is where the anger swells, because how dare they see me as something so casual, when I should be a treasure. I should be appreciated and adored. And I want them to know that, and for them to burn for their ignorance in not recognizing that. I want them to pay for not recognizing that.
So yeah...I have a few anger issues. I would make an awesome vengeful goddess.
In the end, I doubt few people will understand this about me, and even if they do would it change things? No. But it swirls around me, night and day, this righteous wrath, this hatred and dislike of those who have wronged me. I don't know if it will ever get a chance to be voiced, like as not. But there is a part of me that wants to unleash it. I want them to know what that hurt sounds like, and feels like, and looks like, and see the pain I live in everyday.
But I don't think they will even care.
Well, pray for me for peace and blessings in this Lenten season. And peace and blessings to you all.
-JKW
Stress and fatigue have a bad effect on me, as they do most people. I've been more sullen of late, more angry. And I'm not handling perceived slights or injustices well. Not that I ever handle criticism well, see the previous post as to that, but I have a lot of underlying anger at a lot of corners, and the fact I've never handled it means that when I'm sick and tired I tend to chew on it, like a puppy with a favorite toy.
Lately I have been struggling with money. It's par for the course for grad students, especially those in their last months of school. And it's been hard not to be angry at those that I feel have abandoned me. Mostly the anger is directed at family, but even friends who had promised to always be there and have failed me at a critical juncture. The anger is deep and abiding. I have given to them over the years, been accommodating, and when my need is greatest they have dropped me, or ignore me, or shrug their shoulders at me and say, "I'll keep you in my prayers." That last earns my ire so quickly, because it is so half-hearted. And I recall all the things I've done, or money I've raised, and think, "What, a $20 couldn't kill you?" That puts money in my gas tank, or buys a few extra groceries. And I feel resentful and I feel sad. Mostly I feel alone...very, very alone and I begin to think that as much as I give to others, so few want to give to me. And then I feel worthless again.
Yes, I realize I likely blow this all out of proportion. But this is what my brain does...
I am very angry at one person in particular right now, and really I'm not angry at them about money. This person I am angry at for a whole slew of reasons, most of which stem from the blow they stuck me over a year ago now. My anger lies in the depreciation of my place in their life, of the central place they held and still hold in mine and how casually I have been tossed aside. This person perhaps has hurt me the most of anyone, and yet I try to maintain a relationship because it means something to me. And yet, I wonder anymore why I bother so much. I clearly was used for years, used for comfort, for satisfaction, for companionship, for many things, but never cared for in the same way that I cared for this person. And the frustration and hurt of that boils in me and is unresolved. Speaking it will to no good, and releasing it has proved next to futile. Really I'd like nothing more than to hurt this person in the way I've been hurt, but I doubt they would care enough to notice, let alone feel it. And that makes the hurt bite a little bit more, because it adds to the nothingness I feel. And the anger mounts, and it claws, and it bites, and it gnashes. And I seethe and cry and know that in the end I am worthless to that person...absolutely and utterly. And I hate them for it.
My poor ego, what little I have of it, has not had a good week. I know I should not let these thoughtless acts and people define what I am, but it is rather hard. You see examples for so long on how disposable you really are and you begin to believe they are right, you are not worth the time or effort. But there is this kernel inside of me, this deep, abiding, righteous indignation that says "no, I am not worthless, and you all do not have the right to make me feel this way." And this is where the anger swells, because how dare they see me as something so casual, when I should be a treasure. I should be appreciated and adored. And I want them to know that, and for them to burn for their ignorance in not recognizing that. I want them to pay for not recognizing that.
So yeah...I have a few anger issues. I would make an awesome vengeful goddess.
In the end, I doubt few people will understand this about me, and even if they do would it change things? No. But it swirls around me, night and day, this righteous wrath, this hatred and dislike of those who have wronged me. I don't know if it will ever get a chance to be voiced, like as not. But there is a part of me that wants to unleash it. I want them to know what that hurt sounds like, and feels like, and looks like, and see the pain I live in everyday.
But I don't think they will even care.
Well, pray for me for peace and blessings in this Lenten season. And peace and blessings to you all.
-JKW
Friday, February 24, 2012
Feeling Worthless...
It may not sound like I had much of a big break through in therapy this week, but I sort of did. I realized that I feel completely and utterly worthless...and that's a big, big, BIG step for me.
Don't blink at me all confused like, this makes sense.
Part of what my goal in therapy has been is to get to the root causes of some of my most destructive behavior. My shyness, my social ineptitude, the distance I put between myself and others, the complete and utter abandon that I lose myself to in terms of the few relationships I do keep, before becoming disillusioned and crushed. My life is a pattern of rejection and isolation and I feel tired of it.
In the end the root cause of all of it is that I feel worthless.
At some point in my life, probably with the hellishness that was elementary school for me, I got it into my head that I was not worth a whole lot. Rejection happened early and often in those days, and I can't really say what it is that sparked it. Could have been anything, likely it was simply the childish teasing that all of us are subject too. And while most of you likely shook it off, my brain processed it as being told "you aren't good enough."
Problem was I believed it.
And this has been compounded over the years by many factors. Everything from family teasing to broken relationships has steadily ingrained in me that I am worthless. My family doesn't speak to me or belittles me, it's because they believe I am unworthy. Therefore I must strive hard to make them proud of me so that they will see I have some worth. My friends don't call and drop me from their life? It's because I've done something wrong, something that has made them hate me, or because I am boring, dull, uninteresting. Relationships fail me in spectacular ways, it's because I'm not someone who deserves love, attention, or affection.
And I react in one of two ways. If I sense rejection, if I even sniff it, I run and hide and put as much distance between me and them as possible. So if a friend decides to stop speaking to me, or if we fall out of touch, I won't call back, I won't reach out, because I fear that the reason they did it is because they don't like me anymore or I've done something wrong to anger them. And I will allow that person to fade away, thinking that if they really care they'll come find me again.
The second response is if I sense that a person won't reject me out of hand, I fall all over myself trying to please that person, even if I am not happy with it. I am so afraid of losing that singular, precious person, the only validating thing in my life, that I will lose myself in trying to make them happy, in trying to make them see me, to value me, to love me. And in the end I am always bitterly disappointed that I gave more to them than they ever gave to me. And I am usually crushed.
These two responses have gotten me in more trouble than I care to think about in my life. The first response has cost me friendships, has left me isolated, and has made me very lonely. Worse, it has made me scared...nay TERRIFIED of forming any new connections with people, for fear that they might reject me or not like me. If I don't sense right off the bat that I am welcome, I assume I am not. I so carefully read people, their every action, their every word, the nuance of their voice, the tones they use, the slightest gestures to find some evidence of what they think. It's so very exhausting.
The second has trapped me in unhealthy relationships and given me several broken hearts. I've come to love people, not just relationships, and expected that they will be just as giving as I am. When they are not, I stick around, hoping that my actions will convince them that I deserve what I so crave. And it never does, and it's never good enough because they never see. They don't ever value who I am, they never see the love, or the joy, or the passion I bring. I am just a fixture in their life who they can call on whenever they wish, and I become little more than a token. I've stayed in relationships like that for years, in the worst, most unhealthy situations with people who didn't care.
All I want is for someone to see that I'm worth it. I want someone to love me, I want someone to sacrifice for me, to take pride in me, to see that I'm brilliant, and shining, and amazing. And I want them to mean it. And I want them not to walk away from me, or push me away, or abandon me, or string me along and crush me. I want them to stand by me and stick by me, even at the worst, and keep telling me I am worth it. Because so far no one in my life has ever convinced me of it. And I've run myself ragged getting someone, anyone to notice.
For the life of me I've yet to figure out why no one ever has.
Now, I know logically there is a disconnect. I know that there are people in my life who see some value in me, and who love me, and who are proud of me. But I don't sense that. Whether it is because of their failure to communicate that, or my misunderstanding, or them just being horrible friends and family to have, I don't know. I know I obviously can't rely on everyone to give me self-affirmation all the time, and somehow, someway I need to understand for myself, by myself, that I am worth something, that I am beautiful, and amazing, and wonderful, and someone to be loved and cherished, without the need for someone externally to tell me that. I need to come to that conclusion some how. And I need to do it on my own.
But I also need to start finding more positive people in my life, less selfish people, less critical people, less emotionally demanding people. I need to find people who are more supportive of me, who are more willing to boost me up than use me or drain me. And I need to be honest with my family at some point about the way they often make me feel. Whether it makes them change or not, perhaps that is not the point. But it is being honest with them about why it is I keep my distance, and the fear and hurt that often keeps me away. Perhaps they will understand, likely they won't, but I will at least be making an effort.
For Lent, I need to work on this acceptance of my self and my own worth element. Lenten time is a time when Christians consider the sacrifice made for them and the question of their worthiness. During last night's Ash Wednesday service at the Presbyterian church in town, (not my usual church, I am Baptist myself), the pastor kept reminding us that Christ's sacrifice was given freely, not because we deserved it, but because we weren't worthy of it, but he loved us enough to do it anyway. I have never been able to jive with substitutionary atonement and this idea of "unworthiness", the angry God who sends his son to create an even balance. I would dispute that personally. I would reply that perhaps the message of Lent and of the cross is that it happened because I am worthy. I'm a person who was worthy enough for God to want to bring into communion, into his covenant, and that this is what the cross symbolizes. How very much God loved me.
Perhaps in contemplating that, I might be able to find my sense of self worth once again.
Peace and blessings-
JKW
Don't blink at me all confused like, this makes sense.
Part of what my goal in therapy has been is to get to the root causes of some of my most destructive behavior. My shyness, my social ineptitude, the distance I put between myself and others, the complete and utter abandon that I lose myself to in terms of the few relationships I do keep, before becoming disillusioned and crushed. My life is a pattern of rejection and isolation and I feel tired of it.
In the end the root cause of all of it is that I feel worthless.
At some point in my life, probably with the hellishness that was elementary school for me, I got it into my head that I was not worth a whole lot. Rejection happened early and often in those days, and I can't really say what it is that sparked it. Could have been anything, likely it was simply the childish teasing that all of us are subject too. And while most of you likely shook it off, my brain processed it as being told "you aren't good enough."
Problem was I believed it.
And this has been compounded over the years by many factors. Everything from family teasing to broken relationships has steadily ingrained in me that I am worthless. My family doesn't speak to me or belittles me, it's because they believe I am unworthy. Therefore I must strive hard to make them proud of me so that they will see I have some worth. My friends don't call and drop me from their life? It's because I've done something wrong, something that has made them hate me, or because I am boring, dull, uninteresting. Relationships fail me in spectacular ways, it's because I'm not someone who deserves love, attention, or affection.
And I react in one of two ways. If I sense rejection, if I even sniff it, I run and hide and put as much distance between me and them as possible. So if a friend decides to stop speaking to me, or if we fall out of touch, I won't call back, I won't reach out, because I fear that the reason they did it is because they don't like me anymore or I've done something wrong to anger them. And I will allow that person to fade away, thinking that if they really care they'll come find me again.
The second response is if I sense that a person won't reject me out of hand, I fall all over myself trying to please that person, even if I am not happy with it. I am so afraid of losing that singular, precious person, the only validating thing in my life, that I will lose myself in trying to make them happy, in trying to make them see me, to value me, to love me. And in the end I am always bitterly disappointed that I gave more to them than they ever gave to me. And I am usually crushed.
These two responses have gotten me in more trouble than I care to think about in my life. The first response has cost me friendships, has left me isolated, and has made me very lonely. Worse, it has made me scared...nay TERRIFIED of forming any new connections with people, for fear that they might reject me or not like me. If I don't sense right off the bat that I am welcome, I assume I am not. I so carefully read people, their every action, their every word, the nuance of their voice, the tones they use, the slightest gestures to find some evidence of what they think. It's so very exhausting.
The second has trapped me in unhealthy relationships and given me several broken hearts. I've come to love people, not just relationships, and expected that they will be just as giving as I am. When they are not, I stick around, hoping that my actions will convince them that I deserve what I so crave. And it never does, and it's never good enough because they never see. They don't ever value who I am, they never see the love, or the joy, or the passion I bring. I am just a fixture in their life who they can call on whenever they wish, and I become little more than a token. I've stayed in relationships like that for years, in the worst, most unhealthy situations with people who didn't care.
All I want is for someone to see that I'm worth it. I want someone to love me, I want someone to sacrifice for me, to take pride in me, to see that I'm brilliant, and shining, and amazing. And I want them to mean it. And I want them not to walk away from me, or push me away, or abandon me, or string me along and crush me. I want them to stand by me and stick by me, even at the worst, and keep telling me I am worth it. Because so far no one in my life has ever convinced me of it. And I've run myself ragged getting someone, anyone to notice.
For the life of me I've yet to figure out why no one ever has.
Now, I know logically there is a disconnect. I know that there are people in my life who see some value in me, and who love me, and who are proud of me. But I don't sense that. Whether it is because of their failure to communicate that, or my misunderstanding, or them just being horrible friends and family to have, I don't know. I know I obviously can't rely on everyone to give me self-affirmation all the time, and somehow, someway I need to understand for myself, by myself, that I am worth something, that I am beautiful, and amazing, and wonderful, and someone to be loved and cherished, without the need for someone externally to tell me that. I need to come to that conclusion some how. And I need to do it on my own.
But I also need to start finding more positive people in my life, less selfish people, less critical people, less emotionally demanding people. I need to find people who are more supportive of me, who are more willing to boost me up than use me or drain me. And I need to be honest with my family at some point about the way they often make me feel. Whether it makes them change or not, perhaps that is not the point. But it is being honest with them about why it is I keep my distance, and the fear and hurt that often keeps me away. Perhaps they will understand, likely they won't, but I will at least be making an effort.
For Lent, I need to work on this acceptance of my self and my own worth element. Lenten time is a time when Christians consider the sacrifice made for them and the question of their worthiness. During last night's Ash Wednesday service at the Presbyterian church in town, (not my usual church, I am Baptist myself), the pastor kept reminding us that Christ's sacrifice was given freely, not because we deserved it, but because we weren't worthy of it, but he loved us enough to do it anyway. I have never been able to jive with substitutionary atonement and this idea of "unworthiness", the angry God who sends his son to create an even balance. I would dispute that personally. I would reply that perhaps the message of Lent and of the cross is that it happened because I am worthy. I'm a person who was worthy enough for God to want to bring into communion, into his covenant, and that this is what the cross symbolizes. How very much God loved me.
Perhaps in contemplating that, I might be able to find my sense of self worth once again.
Peace and blessings-
JKW
Monday, February 13, 2012
Valentines Day
For someone whose had the sort of year I've had, Valentine's Day is the worst.
I can't say that I've ever had very many good Valentine's Days, a handful of special ones that I like to think back on. But really the day usually is very painful for me. It hurts to know that I've poured out a lot of love and affection on people who, in the end, were selfish and didn't care. And so the day sort of represents for me my utter failing in all things romantic.
So how do I get through it with any stretch of sanity?
To be honest, not well. Thankfully I no longer work in an office where there is an overwhelming presence of floral profundity right in my face. And I'm no longer in high school to witness my classmates getting flowers from each other while I sit feeling stupid. I can hide away from Valentine's Day for the most part. In fact, tomorrow will be just another day for me, work and homework, working out, going to tutor, snag something before bed, pass out and start all over again on Wednesday.
Depression of course is inevitable. When you think of all your friends who are married or who are in committed relationships and you realize you are alone and likely always will be, it's the time when you just want to head for the freezer, bury your head in a bucket of chocolate ice cream and never come out. I won't deny I don't feel that way right now. The idea of tomorrow vaguely makes me ill. But no matter how badly it makes me feel, I know I can't just wallow in my own self-pity. Frankly it only makes matters worse, and doesn't accomplish much more than adding five pounds from my attempt at suicide by chocolate.
So tomorrow is just another day. While everyone else enjoys their flowers and candy, I will go to work, do my homework, work out with a friend, and tutor a student. There will be no chocolate ice cream in the house. And while it will hurt and suck, I will at least have accomplished my day, gotten through it, and not let myself stay curled into bed, feeling sorry for myself, moping on the state of my life.
I will keep moving forward...cause sometimes that's the only direction I have left to go in.
Peace and blessings-
JKW
I can't say that I've ever had very many good Valentine's Days, a handful of special ones that I like to think back on. But really the day usually is very painful for me. It hurts to know that I've poured out a lot of love and affection on people who, in the end, were selfish and didn't care. And so the day sort of represents for me my utter failing in all things romantic.
So how do I get through it with any stretch of sanity?
To be honest, not well. Thankfully I no longer work in an office where there is an overwhelming presence of floral profundity right in my face. And I'm no longer in high school to witness my classmates getting flowers from each other while I sit feeling stupid. I can hide away from Valentine's Day for the most part. In fact, tomorrow will be just another day for me, work and homework, working out, going to tutor, snag something before bed, pass out and start all over again on Wednesday.
Depression of course is inevitable. When you think of all your friends who are married or who are in committed relationships and you realize you are alone and likely always will be, it's the time when you just want to head for the freezer, bury your head in a bucket of chocolate ice cream and never come out. I won't deny I don't feel that way right now. The idea of tomorrow vaguely makes me ill. But no matter how badly it makes me feel, I know I can't just wallow in my own self-pity. Frankly it only makes matters worse, and doesn't accomplish much more than adding five pounds from my attempt at suicide by chocolate.
So tomorrow is just another day. While everyone else enjoys their flowers and candy, I will go to work, do my homework, work out with a friend, and tutor a student. There will be no chocolate ice cream in the house. And while it will hurt and suck, I will at least have accomplished my day, gotten through it, and not let myself stay curled into bed, feeling sorry for myself, moping on the state of my life.
I will keep moving forward...cause sometimes that's the only direction I have left to go in.
Peace and blessings-
JKW
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Therapy vs. Medication
A friend and I had a recent conversation regarding therapy and meds.
I will be honest, I've been in a depression for a year. There is a culmination of factors that went into this depression; overwork, lack of money, my own personal demons, a crazy roommate, (who I adore but can be difficult to live with sometimes). But to be honest the worst thing I've suffered with this last year was a broken heart. I don't even think those two words are adequate to describe how I feel at the moment. It wasn't just a heart that was shattered, if was a relationship, a friendship, a social life, a world. Imagine a divorce, but without the comfort of at least knowing you were for a brief shining moment someone loved you enough to want to make a life with you.
That's what my last year has been.
Crawling back from that has been difficult. There is much I am sifting through, feelings of rejection, of worthlessness, of failure, of loneliness. And it wasn't something that just happened one day and I can get over it. There is a lifetime of things that went along with this that help make the heartbreak so very hard to get over. And for the most part I struggle with this alone. I have a roommate who is endlessly loyal, but hardly understands the situation. I have family who are distant at best, and it's very difficult to share with them. And for the except of a special, core group of friends, most of my friendships have either left me or I've pushed away because I hurt so much. So there isn't very much support in 'just getting over it'.
This is why I chose therapy. I couldn't do this alone. I had tried for a very long time to do it by myself, and realized that I simply fell into patterns of behavior that perpetuated bad situations. And while I've been lucky in my life that I've never completely fallen in the pit of despair, I do know that when I had my heart broken last year I realized I couldn't do this all by myself. My world fell apart and I needed help. So I went to my school's psychology department and I asked for help.
It's been a slow process. There are layers of things I am working through, and things I'm discovering about myself. Today I discussed the anger I feel towards my family and their indifference, and realized that perhaps we are all indifferent to each other because we all feel some lack of worth with each other, and are unable to express it. Because we don't feel complaining will change the situation, we do nothing. I do it, they do it, we all do, and it perpetuates a situation. I feel unworthy because my family doesn't seem to care about my life. It occurred to me today that perhaps they feel that way towards me too, and that's why we are so silent. This is why I am in therapy...I never would have discovered this unless I had worked it out.
Recently I've been very quiet with friends. I admit that the effort it takes to maintain relationships has been difficult for me. I've lacked the energy even to maintain connections on Twitter and Facebook. One of my best friends was very concerned. She herself has been where I am at, and she has a family who has struggled with depression. She suggested I should look into medication. I love my friend, and I am so glad she cared enough to suggest it. But I firmly and gently said no. This is a fight that I don't want to simply give a pill to. I want to change my behavior, to understand why this is happening, and find a way to shake myself of assumptions that have made me sad and depressed. I do see a hope at the end of the tunnel, I just feel I need to be patient. Like everything, it is a process.
Now, I say this because I believe that therapy with no medication is the option for me now. This is not to say that I don't believe in medication for others. I live with someone who suffers chronic depression. My own parents at various times suffered from it, and at least one should have been medicated. He finally had to resort to medication when my mother left, because he realized just how bad it was getting. There were days during that dark period when my brother and I had to check to make sure he was even breathing, we were so afraid of his depression. I know that there are times when medication is an answer. And I want to encourage anyone reading this that if you feel that you need it, if you can't shake this feeling, if it won't go away, or if it gets worse, please, please seek that sort of help. Don't hesitate. People will not think less of you, because frankly who among us hasn't been in that spot.
But I also encourage those who do want to try and make a go without medication as well. It is an option, and it's a good option. Sometimes what you really need is to understand why things are happening, and therapy is good for that. It helps you sort out what's really going on and what isn't, what your perceptions are and what the outside sees. It helps you come to grips with how you think and how that affects things. And I'm all for that. But by all means, if therapy isn't cutting it, if there is something deeper going on there, talk to a therapist or a doctor and get some help.
For me I'm taking this route, and I'm positive it is working. I'm feeling better about some things and feeling stronger about others. It's a slow road, and I don't think this will change overnight. But I keep on working it because I want to be a better person, a better daughter, a better sister, and a better friend.
Peace and blessings-
JKW
I will be honest, I've been in a depression for a year. There is a culmination of factors that went into this depression; overwork, lack of money, my own personal demons, a crazy roommate, (who I adore but can be difficult to live with sometimes). But to be honest the worst thing I've suffered with this last year was a broken heart. I don't even think those two words are adequate to describe how I feel at the moment. It wasn't just a heart that was shattered, if was a relationship, a friendship, a social life, a world. Imagine a divorce, but without the comfort of at least knowing you were for a brief shining moment someone loved you enough to want to make a life with you.
That's what my last year has been.
Crawling back from that has been difficult. There is much I am sifting through, feelings of rejection, of worthlessness, of failure, of loneliness. And it wasn't something that just happened one day and I can get over it. There is a lifetime of things that went along with this that help make the heartbreak so very hard to get over. And for the most part I struggle with this alone. I have a roommate who is endlessly loyal, but hardly understands the situation. I have family who are distant at best, and it's very difficult to share with them. And for the except of a special, core group of friends, most of my friendships have either left me or I've pushed away because I hurt so much. So there isn't very much support in 'just getting over it'.
This is why I chose therapy. I couldn't do this alone. I had tried for a very long time to do it by myself, and realized that I simply fell into patterns of behavior that perpetuated bad situations. And while I've been lucky in my life that I've never completely fallen in the pit of despair, I do know that when I had my heart broken last year I realized I couldn't do this all by myself. My world fell apart and I needed help. So I went to my school's psychology department and I asked for help.
It's been a slow process. There are layers of things I am working through, and things I'm discovering about myself. Today I discussed the anger I feel towards my family and their indifference, and realized that perhaps we are all indifferent to each other because we all feel some lack of worth with each other, and are unable to express it. Because we don't feel complaining will change the situation, we do nothing. I do it, they do it, we all do, and it perpetuates a situation. I feel unworthy because my family doesn't seem to care about my life. It occurred to me today that perhaps they feel that way towards me too, and that's why we are so silent. This is why I am in therapy...I never would have discovered this unless I had worked it out.
Recently I've been very quiet with friends. I admit that the effort it takes to maintain relationships has been difficult for me. I've lacked the energy even to maintain connections on Twitter and Facebook. One of my best friends was very concerned. She herself has been where I am at, and she has a family who has struggled with depression. She suggested I should look into medication. I love my friend, and I am so glad she cared enough to suggest it. But I firmly and gently said no. This is a fight that I don't want to simply give a pill to. I want to change my behavior, to understand why this is happening, and find a way to shake myself of assumptions that have made me sad and depressed. I do see a hope at the end of the tunnel, I just feel I need to be patient. Like everything, it is a process.
Now, I say this because I believe that therapy with no medication is the option for me now. This is not to say that I don't believe in medication for others. I live with someone who suffers chronic depression. My own parents at various times suffered from it, and at least one should have been medicated. He finally had to resort to medication when my mother left, because he realized just how bad it was getting. There were days during that dark period when my brother and I had to check to make sure he was even breathing, we were so afraid of his depression. I know that there are times when medication is an answer. And I want to encourage anyone reading this that if you feel that you need it, if you can't shake this feeling, if it won't go away, or if it gets worse, please, please seek that sort of help. Don't hesitate. People will not think less of you, because frankly who among us hasn't been in that spot.
But I also encourage those who do want to try and make a go without medication as well. It is an option, and it's a good option. Sometimes what you really need is to understand why things are happening, and therapy is good for that. It helps you sort out what's really going on and what isn't, what your perceptions are and what the outside sees. It helps you come to grips with how you think and how that affects things. And I'm all for that. But by all means, if therapy isn't cutting it, if there is something deeper going on there, talk to a therapist or a doctor and get some help.
For me I'm taking this route, and I'm positive it is working. I'm feeling better about some things and feeling stronger about others. It's a slow road, and I don't think this will change overnight. But I keep on working it because I want to be a better person, a better daughter, a better sister, and a better friend.
Peace and blessings-
JKW
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Caretaker
A long time ago I used to play role playing games. The old fashioned kind with dice and paper, where you would reduce a character and their personality to basic words and numbers. Personalities suddenly became Jungian descriptives. They were easy, throw-away ways to explain the impulses of a characters nature. Because we were so steeped in this game, and so used to the lingo, many of us took to using these descriptions in real life to pinpoint just what sort of person we thought someone was. They were a "architect" nature, or a "deviant".
I was always a "caretaker". And it's true, that's the first impulse I have. My entire life has been defined by being someone who was asked to take care of someone else. I am the oldest, I am female, I am responsible, I am caring and kind. It seems a natural fit. I needed to take care of parents, siblings, friends, it is a natural expression of the empathy and compassion that I have, trying to take care of others, to make them feel better.
But it is also a hamper as well.
As we have established, I am a person who fears rejection. I am a person who is also very lonely. It is hard for me to reach out to others. One of the few ways I have of connecting to people is to be that "caretaker". I want to do something for you, to make things easier for you, or better, because if I do then you will appreciate me, like me, even want me in your life. Being a caretaker is my way of showing others how much I love them and don't take them for granted. I expect that others will see this and respond by loving me back.
This is sadly not the case in my life. Inevitably those I seek to make happiest are those who take the most advantage of me. And in my own, blind, desperate need to be loved and accepted by someone, I pour myself out to these people only to find myself emptied by them. And I grow angry and resentful, and when I start to balk, when I remove that care I once showed, when I refuse to give in to demands, then they tend to walk away. And I realize what a fool I have been, because I have given these people everything, and they have offered nothing that I wanted. And so I am angry with myself for doing this, and I am angry at them for doing this, and then I usually start the slow spin into depression.
It's such a familiar theme in my life, I am surprised I didn't really catch on to it till I was in therapy, but I suppose that's common for many people. We don't recognize our self-destructive behaviors till we are forced by others to recognize what we are doing. Sadly, for myself, I don't know quite what to do with myself in terms of this "caretaker" business. It's what I know, it's instinctual. But it is not all that I am. I am so much more, I am a person who has so many more things to offer than being a simple security blanket. Sadly that's the only way I've been seen by some people I've loved most. I'm caring, and loving, and stable, and safe. But I'm nothing more than than. They don't see the other wonderful parts that make up me, not really.
I'm at a loss as to what to do about this. It has caused me to shut down in the last year, emotionally and socially. I have sort of faded from the lives of many people, and I don't mean to, but I just don't have the emotional capability now to discern whether I am falling into the same old self-destructive patterns as before, or is this a healthy relationship? I just don't know. I know that this behavior is not good either, but there is a part of me that is too bruised and battered to know what to do. And so I hide, because I'm tired of being the caretaker to the world and used horribly for it.
Now you know where some of the anger inside of me comes from.
We all have parts of our nature that are wonderful, and parts that if not used carefully can be destructive. Sometimes it's hard to know when we are being beneficial or self-destructive. I pray for discernment, but I also pray for courage to keep going, because right now I am just too scared. And yet I am lonely too. I pray I can feel safe in reaching out to others again, and hope that I don't put myself in a position where I feel used or rejected.
Prayers and blessings-
JKW
I was always a "caretaker". And it's true, that's the first impulse I have. My entire life has been defined by being someone who was asked to take care of someone else. I am the oldest, I am female, I am responsible, I am caring and kind. It seems a natural fit. I needed to take care of parents, siblings, friends, it is a natural expression of the empathy and compassion that I have, trying to take care of others, to make them feel better.
But it is also a hamper as well.
As we have established, I am a person who fears rejection. I am a person who is also very lonely. It is hard for me to reach out to others. One of the few ways I have of connecting to people is to be that "caretaker". I want to do something for you, to make things easier for you, or better, because if I do then you will appreciate me, like me, even want me in your life. Being a caretaker is my way of showing others how much I love them and don't take them for granted. I expect that others will see this and respond by loving me back.
This is sadly not the case in my life. Inevitably those I seek to make happiest are those who take the most advantage of me. And in my own, blind, desperate need to be loved and accepted by someone, I pour myself out to these people only to find myself emptied by them. And I grow angry and resentful, and when I start to balk, when I remove that care I once showed, when I refuse to give in to demands, then they tend to walk away. And I realize what a fool I have been, because I have given these people everything, and they have offered nothing that I wanted. And so I am angry with myself for doing this, and I am angry at them for doing this, and then I usually start the slow spin into depression.
It's such a familiar theme in my life, I am surprised I didn't really catch on to it till I was in therapy, but I suppose that's common for many people. We don't recognize our self-destructive behaviors till we are forced by others to recognize what we are doing. Sadly, for myself, I don't know quite what to do with myself in terms of this "caretaker" business. It's what I know, it's instinctual. But it is not all that I am. I am so much more, I am a person who has so many more things to offer than being a simple security blanket. Sadly that's the only way I've been seen by some people I've loved most. I'm caring, and loving, and stable, and safe. But I'm nothing more than than. They don't see the other wonderful parts that make up me, not really.
I'm at a loss as to what to do about this. It has caused me to shut down in the last year, emotionally and socially. I have sort of faded from the lives of many people, and I don't mean to, but I just don't have the emotional capability now to discern whether I am falling into the same old self-destructive patterns as before, or is this a healthy relationship? I just don't know. I know that this behavior is not good either, but there is a part of me that is too bruised and battered to know what to do. And so I hide, because I'm tired of being the caretaker to the world and used horribly for it.
Now you know where some of the anger inside of me comes from.
We all have parts of our nature that are wonderful, and parts that if not used carefully can be destructive. Sometimes it's hard to know when we are being beneficial or self-destructive. I pray for discernment, but I also pray for courage to keep going, because right now I am just too scared. And yet I am lonely too. I pray I can feel safe in reaching out to others again, and hope that I don't put myself in a position where I feel used or rejected.
Prayers and blessings-
JKW
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Screaming without saying a word
My every waking moment is filled with a rage that sucks me down.
Anger is one of the things I am trying to work within therapy. This is one of those issues that many people don't even see about me, the ones who thing that I'm "so put together". And for many I figure this is likely the case. Our society is paradoxical, we love confrontation and then again we don't. What we really love is to argue defensively and tear the other person down. We don't love hearing how that other person is hurting because of something we said or did. I am as guilty of doing that as the next person.
Right now there is so much anger and rage inside of me it hurts, and it isn't healthy. I know it isn't, and this is why I am in therapy. But I breath it everyday, and I want so badly to just rage till it is gone and empty myself. And I realize I can't because I also want to be understood. I want someone to see that they hurt me and to recognize the hurt and apologize. And so far I've yet to experience a single "I'm sorry, you know what I was wrong." Sometimes the situation won't get better, but sometimes you need to let out all the hurt and anger and not feel that in doing so you will be slapped back down.
I tried this last summer to confront someone who means the world to me. This person many years ago hurt me in what perhaps was the initial crack that would lead to me breaking to the point I am at now. I confronted them because I needed to. I needed to lash out, to get it out, like puss from a wound. I needed to cry and scream and shout at the heavens. What I got was an email, because that was the only way I could reach them. My therapist suggested it, and so I did it, no holds barred, full of all the swearing and virulence that I felt. I had been warned that I wouldn't get the response I wanted. I suppose I hadn't expected the response I got. That letter hurt almost as much as what this person did. It hurt because it showed that in the end they didn't care about how I felt or what I had to say. In the end all that mattered was that they felt they were right.
Nothing makes you feel more small than knowing that you aren't being heard. And I have to admit I don't think once in my life I ever have, not when it matters most. It's strange, I realize even with everyday people how often they don't really listen to me or pay attention to the tiny things. And when it is you spilling your guts out to someone, begging for them to understand the pain you are in, the pain they have or are causing, to have that sort of response is nothing short of shattering.
There is another person who perhaps is the other major component for why I am in the shattered, emotional state I am in right now. This person is almost as clueless as the first, except this person does have a bit more of an inkling about the damage they have caused. Except their damage is much more fresh, more raw, more traumatic. And I can't even begin to vent to them my anger, because the minute I do righteous indignation comes into play. My words are lost because they are so busy defending themseves they aren't listening to what I am saying. I am drowning in fury over here, it chokes me most days, and I can't make them understand how badly I both love them and hate them for breaking me to this point and not even caring.
Another post, I'll discuss my tendency to care take those I care for and how this exacerbates this rage problem, because really it is all a vicious cycle. But for right now I sit here, raging quietly, wondering if I should have a good cry since my head already hurts, or if I should just go to sleep and shove it away as I always do. There will be one day when I will figure out what to do with all of this anger and understand what to do with it. Perhaps prayer, perhaps a tantrum...you know there are days that the song "Bust the Windows Outcha Car" really resonates, but I don't think I have enough destructive tendencies to manage that one.
Anyway, prayers for me as I deal with this and figure out what I can do to resolve the anger in a healthy manner.
Peace and blessings-
JKW
Anger is one of the things I am trying to work within therapy. This is one of those issues that many people don't even see about me, the ones who thing that I'm "so put together". And for many I figure this is likely the case. Our society is paradoxical, we love confrontation and then again we don't. What we really love is to argue defensively and tear the other person down. We don't love hearing how that other person is hurting because of something we said or did. I am as guilty of doing that as the next person.
Right now there is so much anger and rage inside of me it hurts, and it isn't healthy. I know it isn't, and this is why I am in therapy. But I breath it everyday, and I want so badly to just rage till it is gone and empty myself. And I realize I can't because I also want to be understood. I want someone to see that they hurt me and to recognize the hurt and apologize. And so far I've yet to experience a single "I'm sorry, you know what I was wrong." Sometimes the situation won't get better, but sometimes you need to let out all the hurt and anger and not feel that in doing so you will be slapped back down.
I tried this last summer to confront someone who means the world to me. This person many years ago hurt me in what perhaps was the initial crack that would lead to me breaking to the point I am at now. I confronted them because I needed to. I needed to lash out, to get it out, like puss from a wound. I needed to cry and scream and shout at the heavens. What I got was an email, because that was the only way I could reach them. My therapist suggested it, and so I did it, no holds barred, full of all the swearing and virulence that I felt. I had been warned that I wouldn't get the response I wanted. I suppose I hadn't expected the response I got. That letter hurt almost as much as what this person did. It hurt because it showed that in the end they didn't care about how I felt or what I had to say. In the end all that mattered was that they felt they were right.
Nothing makes you feel more small than knowing that you aren't being heard. And I have to admit I don't think once in my life I ever have, not when it matters most. It's strange, I realize even with everyday people how often they don't really listen to me or pay attention to the tiny things. And when it is you spilling your guts out to someone, begging for them to understand the pain you are in, the pain they have or are causing, to have that sort of response is nothing short of shattering.
There is another person who perhaps is the other major component for why I am in the shattered, emotional state I am in right now. This person is almost as clueless as the first, except this person does have a bit more of an inkling about the damage they have caused. Except their damage is much more fresh, more raw, more traumatic. And I can't even begin to vent to them my anger, because the minute I do righteous indignation comes into play. My words are lost because they are so busy defending themseves they aren't listening to what I am saying. I am drowning in fury over here, it chokes me most days, and I can't make them understand how badly I both love them and hate them for breaking me to this point and not even caring.
Another post, I'll discuss my tendency to care take those I care for and how this exacerbates this rage problem, because really it is all a vicious cycle. But for right now I sit here, raging quietly, wondering if I should have a good cry since my head already hurts, or if I should just go to sleep and shove it away as I always do. There will be one day when I will figure out what to do with all of this anger and understand what to do with it. Perhaps prayer, perhaps a tantrum...you know there are days that the song "Bust the Windows Outcha Car" really resonates, but I don't think I have enough destructive tendencies to manage that one.
Anyway, prayers for me as I deal with this and figure out what I can do to resolve the anger in a healthy manner.
Peace and blessings-
JKW
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